November 19, 2009

Proof That God Is Not A Woman (part 2 - by Margaret Ullrich)

Santa Claus has come to town. Yikes!!

Ok, grab a pen and paper and sit down. Why are you doing this?
For some "Jesus is the reason for the season". Okay, that's a start.
God became human.
Humans can't become God.
So get rid of the crap that's crept into the creche.

What's important to you and your family? 
Not to the neighbors, not to the in-laws and not to the stores. 
Set your own priorities. 
Don't let the urgent, like making fancy decorations, keep you from the important,
like spending time together. 
If anyone tries to talk you into doing something extra, just say NO.

Back to the old time Christmas. Maybe chopping and crushing was their idea of a crackerjack good time. But, if your kids just want oreoes, why stay up till midnight making weird sugar cookies that can't fit into a glass of milk? 
I know. It's tradition. 
So, delegate the mixing. Bang open a tube of cookie dough and let the kids get creative while you take pictures. They'll actually eat those cookies.

Did you invite someone who thinks store bought is not fit for the holidays? 
Stock up now, destroy the wrappings, toss your cookies into bread bags and freeze them. 
Remember how in the 60s we distressed furniture? 
When it's Show Time, pop the cookies into the oven for nice burnt edges. 
And muck up the fruitcake's icing. 
The snob will praise you and wolf down anything that doesn't look like it was made by a professional.

Speaking of professional, avoid The Stewart
If you do watch Martha, remember: It's TV. Look at the credits. She has an army helping her. They bake 30 cakes and she shows the best one. She doesn't do all that work when she's bone tired after putting in a 12 hour day. 
Martha is human, too. 
You've seen blooper shows. Trust me. Martha bloopers.

Do you have a friend who thinks she's Martha? 
Whoopee for her. 
Like your Mama done told you, if your friend jumped off a bridge would you do it, too? 
There has to be something your pal hates to do. Swap your expertise for hers.
Yes, you are good at something. She bakes, you wrap. See?

Ever feel that if you don't do everything the family's been doing since the Stone Age, the holidays will be ruined forever, it will be all your fault and the family will never recover? 
That's Mama Guilt. 
According to a psychologist, "Guilt feelings are a messy mixture of insecurity, self-doubt, self-condemnation, self-judgment, anxiety and fear."
Dump the guilt. 
Make a list of the things you think you have to do, including making that relish that's been in the family since the Black Death.
After dinner, before everyone runs off, read the list. 
If something gets big smiles, it's a keeper. 
If you say "Relish" and people make barfing sounds, cross it out. 
If your family's polite, think about last year.
If you were serving leftover Christmas relish with the Easter ham, lose the recipe.

Office and Organization Parties were once a fun way for spouses to meet the other important people in one's life. Now both spouses have been invited to parties - and guess what, they're always on the same night - and 'The Wives' and 'The Husbands' can't face another plate of appetizers. 
Stay home. 
Your pals will save you a copy of the secretary's xeroxed butt.

Cards used to be nice and simple, with pretty pictures and cheery messages. 
Just sign and send. Then some fool started printing up long bragging letters. 
Don't write The Letter. Your friends will love you.

Back to the three-handed Mom pulling toys off the shelves like they were free samples.
There are 5 weeks left until Christmas.
Think that's a long time? 
How many New Year's resolutions have you done in the last eleven months? 
Neither have I.

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