January 21, 2010

A Guide to Canada

Got a few e mails from Americans interested in coming to Steam on the Prairies. They've never come up here and would like a little info about our wonderful country.

Okee dokee.

Here are a few of what some think are top features of each of our fair provinces.

1. Vancouver : 1.5 million people and two bridges. You do the math.
2. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is just 5 hours from downtown.
3. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations.
4. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on.
5. Weed.

1. Big rocks between you and B.C.
2. Ottawa who?
3. Tax is 5% insteadof the approximately 200% it is for the rest of the country.
4. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of.
5. You live in the only province that could actually afford to be its own country.
6. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups.

1. You never run out of wheat.
2. Your province is really easy to draw.
3. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours.
4. People will assume you live on a farm.
5. Daylight savings time? Who the hell needs that!

1. You wake up one morning to find that you suddenly have a beachfront property.
2. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes.
3. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter.
4. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood.
5. You can pass the time watching trucks and barns floating by.

1. You live in the centre of the universe.
2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump.
3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election.
4. The only province with hard-core American-style crime.

1. Racism is socially acceptable.
2. You can take bets with your friends on which English neighbour will move out next.
3. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada .
4. You can blame all your problems on the "Anglo A## H*@%#!"

1. One way or another, the government gets 98% of your income.
2. You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies.
3. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick.
4. Everybody has a grandfather who runs a lighthouse.

1. Everyone can play the fiddle. The ones who can't, think they can.
2. You can pretend to have Scottish heritage as an excuse to get drunk and wear a kilt.
3. You are the only reason Anne Murray makes money.

1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island, you still got the big, new bridge.
2. You can walk across the province in half an hour.
3. You can drive across the province in two minutes.
4. Everyone has been an extra on Road to Avonlea.
5. This is where all those tiny, red potatoes come from.
6. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night.

1. If Quebec separates, you will float off to sea.
2. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse.
3. The workday is about two hours long.
4. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders to your wedding.

Come on up here, eh.

The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart

50 Fahrenheit (10 Celsius)
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Canadians plant gardens.

35 Fahrenheit (1.6 Celsius)
Italian cars won't start.
Canadians drive with the windows down.

32 Fahrenheit (0 Celsius)
American water freezes.
Canadian water gets thicker.

0 Fahrenheit (-17.9 Celsius)
New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
Canadians have the last cookout of the season.

-60 Fahrenheit (-51 Celsius)
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.

-109.9 Fahrenheit (-78.5 Celsius)
Carbon dioxide freezes and makes dry ice.
Canadians pull down their earflaps.

-173 Fahrenheit (-114 Celsius)
Ethyl alcohol freezes.
Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.

-459.67 Fahrenheit (-273.15 Celsius)
Absolute zero. All atomic motion stops.
Canadians start saying "Cold, eh?"

-500 Fahrenheit (-295 Celsius)
Hell freezes over.
The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.

Let's face it: Canadians are a rare breed.

Have a great weekend. How can you miss - you're in Winnipeg!

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