January 14, 2010

A Guide To Winnipeg

Okay... so we have a few quirks.

First you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is WIN-A-PEG, not VIN-A-PEG, and it does not matter how people pronounce it in other places.

Winnipeg has its own version of traffic rules. Never forget that downtown Winnipeg is composed in large part of one-way streets. The only way to get out of the center of town is to turn around and start over when you reach the river.

All directions start with, 'Go down Portage.'

Portage Avenue has no beginning and no end.

The 8:00 a.m. rush hour is from 6:30 to 9:30 a.m.
The 5:00 PM rush hour is from 3:30 to 6:30 p.m.
Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

If you actually stop at a yellow light, there's no chance you're from Winnipeg. Yellow lights are for sissies.

Lagimodiere Blvd. can only be pronounced by a native Winnipegger, so do not attempt the phonetic pronunciation. People will simply tilt their heads to the right and stare at you. (And let's not forget Noter Dayme. And of course, Portidge.)

Bingo, Bugs and Perogies are a way of life. Deal with it.

Construction on the Winnipeg streets in summer is a permanent form of entertainment. (Especially those dopey-looking city workers holding up signs in traffic that says in big orange letters 'SLOW'. (I always want to yell, 'You don't really need to advertise, buddy!')

Many bizarre sights can be explained simply by realizing, 'Oh, we're in Transcona!'

Construction crews aren't doing their job properly unless they close down all lanes except one during rush hour.

If someone actually has his turn signal on, it was probably left on at the factory where the car was made.

Buying a Winnipeg street map is a waste of money since the termination or continuation of any street is entirely at the discretion of the Works Department of the City: e.g., Salter, Isabel, Balmoral, Colony, Memorial, Osborne, Dunkirk and Dakota. You've gone two miles down the same road and the name changes eight times.

Exit and entry ramps on the Perimeter Highway are just the recommended way of entering and exiting. Feel free to exit at any grassy point you wish.

All drivers frightened of heights, stay clear of Charleswood and its ten-foot ditches. Believe me when I say you won't get out without a hundred-dollar towing bill.

You are from Winnipeg when...

· Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your Blue Spruce.

· Down South to you means Grand Forks.

· Your 1 July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.

· You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

· You find 0 degrees 'a little chilly.' But it is still t-shirt weather.

Have a great weekend. How can you miss - you're in Winnipeg!

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